My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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