My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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