i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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