I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i now understand why vodka
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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