i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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