shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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