hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
