So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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