Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
