we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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