My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
