Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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