Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
