He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
