what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
