i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
