Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
