smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
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