We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
