I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
