made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
