I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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