I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
