The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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