my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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