The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
