I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
