So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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