he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Houston, we have a blender
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
