It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
