I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
