When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
