So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
