I miss vodka workout Fridays
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
