Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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