help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
