eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
