a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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