I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I haven't been this sober since birth.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
