I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
