my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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