At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
