I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
