i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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