Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I need a hoe opinion
go on
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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