I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
