having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
