I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
