You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
