Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
