Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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