Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
