I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
