Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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