I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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