you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
