A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
