I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize