yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
