I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
