That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
