I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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