tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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