Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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