He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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