twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
