doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
