If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize