she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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