We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
